Childhood trauma - the day I ceased to play

I had a wonderful healing session yesterday in which I was told that in this lifetime I´m here for to heal my lineage and pay for bad actions in an incarnation in my maternal lineage 7 generations ago. To my understanding it´s common that we are incarnat in the same lineage after seven generations, and are facie with the consecuencies of earlier bad actions. "It hurts, doesn´t it?", I was asked in the healing session. Indeed it does.

I´m writing out gratitude and do not in any way complain about all the hardships I have had to go through in life. Nothing is more healing, I believe, that seeing the meaning of the hardships in life. Paying for our bad deeds with a good attitude, not making a drama of it, nor making it a big thing, is what propels us forward into consciousness, I believe. This morning, when I stepped out to the street for to walk the dog, the first thing was the light from the rising sun, then a beautiful bird, and after that a mother with her daughter walking down, wearing a T-shirt with the text "Live". Beautiful indeed, a loveful reminder. Life is offering me a second chance.

Some time ago I was told the exact date of my main childhood trauma, and also exactly what happened. Why I lost my golden ball too early and became a child with a limited capacity for play and expressing joy. The background is that I seem to have been a very beloved child with a wonderful relationship to my mother. Following Ernst´s teaching from the PAC course, the two rasis indicating the first and second years of life, Cancer and Scorpion, are free from afflictions. So is my Moon and my second house, which happens to be Cancer. My Aries is heavily afflicted though, with a DB Saturn close to the DB point and conjunct Rahu. That is a clear indication of trauma, and it has played out exactly as Ernst predicts: I got into a depressive state, still with high functionality but with no real appetite for life. There have been few days in my life during which I would not accept death as a gift, had I been offered that option, I believe. Pretty unfair towards life, since I´ve recieved many wonderful things, but that, to my understanding is exactly how a childhood trauma in Aries manifest: It takes away your deeper sense of joy and meaning. Gloom and depression. The Ketu sign is the innate strategy for survival, Aries - cats and dogs - is all about survival; an afflicted Aries with Rahu in it limits the capacity for or interest in fighting for survival. As I´ve told before: My plan in life before meeting my wife was to hide away with my cards in some city somewhere, letting life take me where it wanted to. (And so it did, I guess. I met a woman with Ketu in Aries...)

Background: My mother, who up to that moment had been deeply in love with her first / and only / boy child, recieved a comment from one of my uncles saying that I reminded him about a certain man in the family. It turns out that that man, to my understanding, had sexually violated / in some form / my mother. Her trauma was triggred by the comment and she started to look at me differently, distancing herself from a boy that she now thought might become  a man that would couse women harm. On August 20 1971 or close to that day, when I was 2 years, 8 months and a week, I presented a drawing to my mother, asking for appriciation. I caught her in a bad moment and she decided to crush the child´s illusions. She told me that she found it horrible or something along those lines. Perhaps the damage would have been less had I not had complete faith in my mother before the event, and perhaps my sensitivity from being an asperger (Low DigBala Mercury etc) made it worse. I don´t know, but my reaction was enough for me to loose most of the joy in play and creativity.

As it is Rahu and Mars was transiting in exact conjunction this day. It was in Aquarius, my 9th house, and with Venus in it. One can easily see how this affected my faith in women, although even after this I very much looked for comfort in the relation to my grandmothers (GK in my chart) and female caretakers. Also to my first school teacher, a woman that I consider my savior more than other person, and the stories of the female childbook writer Astrid Lindgren.

I offer my chart for further analysis.

It´s interesting, I believe, that nothing in Aries was directly affected, from what I can see, but that the trauma still was created in that sign, just as Ernst says: traumas in the third year is seen in Aries.

My Mars is in E dignity in Libra, conjunct Ketu.

I have a high capacity for expressing myself through words and had a short career as a kind of writer, rather succesful, during my early adult years. I have since made my living as a crossword writer for 25 years, quite well paid during the first 15-20 years in that profession. I´m a skillful photographer as seen on www.instagram.com/mattiassigurdsson. Yet my creativity has been severely hampered. Every time I get into deep water, trying to find a more free expression, I get the feeling of being sucked into a black hole and crushed. That is Ra/Sa, of course. I´m a Gemini ascendant; it´s interesting how Saturn for Ge lagna is exalted in the 5th house, indicating that restrictions help our creativity. On the other hand the Sun is debilitated there, indicating that creativity in itself does not make the Ge lagna shine - the creativity has to give a fruit and be useful. The reception and the utility is what motivates Ge lagna to be creative (Sun Exalted in the 11th). With that taken away, there isn´t much left.

I offer this story to anyone interested in PAC and the methods Ernst suggests. My date of birth is December 13 1968, 15.44, Växjö, Kronobergs län, Sweden.

Staffan

PS. My Saturn is at 18.45 degrees, a little less then two thirds from the end of Aries. The event happened when a little more of 2/3 of my Aries year had gone by. It would have been wonderful, from a predictive point of view, had the timing coincided exactly with the placement, but it didn´t happen that way. I wonder whether we should expect such a symmetry or not. Perhaps the placement of Saturn coincides when my uncle made his commentary and my mother changed her view on me, but that does not seem to have been an event causing traumas per se. Any thoughts on that?