Hi everybody,
I've recently learned a new term and concept that perfectly describes a very dysfunctional dynamic I experienced as a child: "Parentification". This occurs when a parent puts their child into a caretaker role, either by making them responsible for tasks that are not appropriate for their age (having to parent siblings, having to cook every night) or by relying on them for emotional support and sharing emotions the child is not equipped to deal with yet.
Needless to say this can lead to a lot of long-term issues, such as being overly self-reliant as an adult, constantly putting yourself in situations where you're overwhelmed, a feeling of lost childhood and having been deprived of having a parent, feeling most comfortable being the caregiver for others, being disconnected from your own needs and feeling like you're responsible for other people's emotions.
I have Ketu in the 4th and Rahu in the 10th (with Ketu's ruler conjunct Rahu) and this describes my childhood experience to a T. My mother not only made me responsible for taking care of my infant children when I was a child (Rahu conjunct Mercury), but also leaned on my for emotional support from a very early age (Ketu in the 4th). I was thus confronted with a lot of adult emotions and fears from an early age and at the same time did not get any space to get my own emotional and developmental needs met. (I should also note that I ran Rahu dasa at the time.)
I was wondering if there are any other 4th/10th axis Ketu/Rahu people who have had similar experiences?
Thank you for bringing up this very important issue Francesca. Yes, I see this a lot with Ketu in 4th, one woman had to take care of two parents dying of cancer at a time before parental death was expected. I also see this dynamic with Ketu in the first house and I see it a lot with rahu and ketu across the 2nd and 8th house axis which is the uber responsiblity axis.
@mitryendra80 For mother you can look at 4th from moon and for father taking care of you can look at 10th from sun.
I have Rahu in Capricorn, Ketu in 7th house Cancer. Rahu falls closer to the 2nd cusp. There was no getting away from being responsible for others from a young age. I was already in Moon Dasa at 4 years old when my first sibling was born who became my first ‘child’ to look after, followed by my second sibling a few years later.
My father travelled for work, so I became the confidante of my mother. She became another child to take care of. As I grew older, my father started depending on me. Eventually, I became the bread-winner for the family until I got married and left.
Unfortunately, I repeated the same mistake when I got married, and took on most of the responsibilities, except the financial ones as I had a child to look after in a foreign country with no support. In hindsight, perhaps, I should have done it the other way around.
I was finding ways to make money and be self-sufficient from as early as 8 years, and wanting to leave the suffocating atmosphere. I craved for light, space and freedom. By the time I was 15, I was paying for my college education. For me, it wasn’t contained to a 4th house theme, but to a 7th house theme. So the energies played out in such a way that I was always asked to meet the emotional and financial needs of friends and acquaintances. Emotional, I could give; financial, not so much with Jupiter debilitated and DK and with Rahu.
With regards to my emotional needs, not only were they not met as a child, but showing emotions got confusing pretty fast. The atmosphere was always volatile and I became the emotional punching bag for everyone. Eventually, it became such that it was better to show neutrality to everything - no crying, no anger, no laughter, no fear. And then, because I would not show any emotions, I would be beaten so I could show some emotion ???? ???? ???? I can laugh at it now as I can understand how conflicting my energies might have been then, but it was confusing as hell as a child.
When I was a teenager, I could not even smile at anyone especially the opposite gender, as that would be met with suspicion from my parents.
It was when Mars Dasa started that I put a stop to the physical beatings. That became my bottom line, which has been getting higher as the years have progressed. It has only been recently, with Ketu maturation, that I put a stop to being an emotional punching bag for others.
That is crazy. Sorry you had to go through such an experience. Glad you are aware and trying to heal it
Thanks, Aditya. We all have our stories to tell. When I hear what others have been through, mine sounds like a walk in the park. I actually feel sorry for my parents. They didn’t know what storm they were inviting into their lives when they decided to give birth to me ????
Yeah, that is true. As I see everyone's stories, the lack of support to deal with it is what gets me because I had that support. I'm really starting to appreciate the varga charts and Jaimini.
I have Ra with Mo conjuct 2nd cusp. I did face similar stuff of not getting complete emotional support from mother at that age and financial challenges at home.
But I am fortunate to get a pretty good D-2. Even D-2 has Ra with Mo in the 2nd. But its rasi aspected by OH Sa and Ex Ma. 2nd lord Su is with OH Me rasi aspected by MT Ju and Ve. I didnt realize then but as I think back I really was well supported to deal with it.
Every time my mom couldn't take care of me because she had another responsibility, either a granny was there or a neighbor was there or my mom's friend was there to give me food and if necessary some comfort. Somehow she found someone capable to take care of me when I needed it.
I even had a very pretty looking classmate as my best friend. I spent a lot of time in her house in childhood. I think we gave each other a lot of support growing up though we never realized.
Her mom treated me like her child. Only a couple of years ago when covid hit, I got an extended time with my mother and we had a very open conversation which sorted out the emotional part of childhood issues of me missing mom.
My younger sibling got that sort of support. She was practically raised by one of our neighbors who had a kid her age. She would hang out in their house and only came back to sleep. I can understand why it worked out that way because of the Birth Card.
I hesitated to like this post, since it seemed strange to like this story. But I deeply appreciate you sharing it with us. I know from personal experience that it takes a long time to heal and reparent yourself. Telling one's story is also still cathartic, to me anyway.
I know what you mean about liking a post like that. I thought it was very synchronistic that this post came about during the full moon on the Capricorn-Cancer axis. It was cathartic for me too.
Yes, you are right that it takes a long to heal and reparent oneself. We do it slowly most of our lives, but then something major happens, and it gets us to really look at those vulnerable spots. Five years ago, something got me to the lowest point in my life. If you are not dead, then there is nothing else left to do but stare in the mirror of one’s life and question what one did wrong to get to that place.
The first nine months, I barely got out of bed. Of course, with my planetary combinations, I hardly got any help. One ‘friend’ suggested that I should just suck it up and get on with it, without realising that I had been sucking it up for the previous 7 years and was now running on empty.
I decided to let go of everyone I knew who did not understand me. The next two years, I spent in self-isolation. Looking back, I am glad for the time I got to sit with myself with no one else to bother me. If life hadn’t cultivated stubbornness in me, I would have been dead. It took exactly 52 months for the rebuilding to happen - 52 is quite synchronistic in the Cards of Truth.
The only reason I decided to open up about it was that it gets so easy to think in logical astrological terms and distance oneself from the emotional component of life. And yet, astrology is about understanding and relating with the emotional problems of people.
I had an interaction with an astrology student once and their outlook was that once you know what your problem is, you should be able to heal yourself overnight. What a presumptuous way of thinking! Layers upon layers that need to be peeled away, and every layer peeled causes massive bleeding. How does one fix it overnight?
Hi, yeah I have Ketu in 4th. I personally experienced separation from mother and unstable/unsafe homes. Ketu's house is ruled by my Atmakaraka Sun (residing in 8th house) and my Ascendant lord Venus is conjunct Rahu. I will say that there is a strong disconnect with my heart, and that finding a therapist who understands trauma and effective ways to heal the body is invaluable. Best of luck
I dont know if it is the right place to share this info. A nerve from the heart connects to the middle of both palms and soles. Its called marma in ayurveda. If someone gently presses their middle of the palm with their thumb it will provide temporary relief when they deal with emotional trauma. I have tried this on myself with good results.
I had gone to someone thinking she was an ayurvedic doctor. She turned out to be healer and a massage therapist. Talk about someone put on your path.
She also suggested me to place my hand on my head for a few seconds to reset if I ever get into traumatic feelings in case I dont have time to deal with it then. She believes that I have practiced using my hands for these things sometime in the past. But she said anyone can do it because everyone has that energy.
Hi Francesca,
I have Rahu on my third cusp, but it's in the 4th house. I strongly identify with Ernst's descriptions of the 3rd/9th Rahu/Ketu axis more than the 4th/10th, but I understand that my 4th bhava is still being impacted and have experienced those themes in life. Was born into Rahu period and my mom is just a very Rahu type of person.
Two younger brothers, single mom, made to feel responsible for the upkeep of the house and paid consequences if it wasn't. I can remember being 9 and being left at home with two siblings for nearly the whole day or whole evening if my mom wanted to go out gambling.
She didn't rely on me emotionally or anything, but she was (and is) extremely emotionally immature. The dynamic felt like old-soul child with toddler-soul parent kind of situation. We're like polar opposites but I've always WISHED I could have been the parent to her.