@leela Whatever works for you Leela. I was just answering the poster according to my understanding of Ernst´s teaching on this issue.
Pat Allen says that a woman has to choose between being cherished and respected. Why can’t I have both?
@stefanie3004 Not only a woman, but a man as well. I think Pat Allen makes really clear that this is about "most women" and "most men" but it´s really about what end of the stick we identifies with, the masculine and the feminine. And she also makes clear that it often changes as we get older: older women often gets over to the "respect"-end of the stick, while old grandpa typically wants to be cherished.
But why is that we have to choose? Because if you choose to act in a masculine way you leave less room for the other person to cherish you. For example, a man cherish a woman if she pays for the dinner on a date. If she insists on paying for herself - well, then she doesn´t leave any room for that cherishing act of him.
"I can fix my car myself!" Wonderful! With that attitude you are probably going to gain a lot of respect from men and get male friends. But are they going to bring your flowers or in any other way show that they see you as a woman (except for wanting to have sex with you possibly)? Probably not.
@stefanie3004 And the other way round of course! Imagine a man who gets home from the gym and starts to look at himself in the mirror. Imagine him wanting attention from his partner. He wants to be cherished for his muscular body. Maybe he´s going to get that. But respect? I doubt.
@stefanie3004
I'm not sure what the context is, but if he said it in the context of relationships I think it's a false dichotomy. I've been in a very happy relationship for the past 14 years in which I am both cherished and respected. I honestly wouldn't settle for less. So please be assured that it is indeed possible ;).
I have actually completed the whole compatibility course a few years back but decided to refresh my memory. I didn’t listen to Pet Allen’s audio files previously but now when I listen to it, I am not sure that what a man or woman wants in a relationship or a partner can be so clearly defined. Sometimes I want it be cherished and sometimes, I want to be respected. I don’t want to be respected for what I can do or provide In the relationship and not be cherished. I want those flowers as well. So it is complicated.
@stefanie3004 It´s highly contextual. But especially in the bonding part of a relationship it´s good if each gender gets what it needs the most. She wants to be cherished for what she is, he wants to get respect for what he does. But then, like in dancing: you take turns, the energy moves around. Yes, it´s just like dancing. But again, in the beginning, the first steps, we play the roles, until we find comfort. (I don´t know if Ernst says that though. Probably my own thoughts, take it for what it´s worth.)